Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
