Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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