i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
