I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
