He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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