i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
