turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
