Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
