Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
