nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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