Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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