I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
