Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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