I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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