Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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