I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
