she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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