matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
