so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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