Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
