What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Cover your peen. We're going out.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
