I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
