between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I woke up under a house in Key West
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
