remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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