The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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