My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
