Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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