i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
ttyl tear gas
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Randomize
