You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
