my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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