I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
