Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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