I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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