What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
