Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
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