Can i not drive my cunt home
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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