im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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