I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
