I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
