we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
