??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
