Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
