Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize