Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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