You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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