Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Less talking, more tequila
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
