I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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