Moan for me like Helen Keller
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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