3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
