can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
