saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Alive.
So much puke
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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