im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
