just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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