It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
