Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize