Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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