At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
