so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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