Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My ass is underappreciated
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
