i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
