tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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