I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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