...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
