Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
