There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize