Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
